“Heroine ni Narou ka!” is SEXY as hell. Even Momoko.

WOW. I mean, WOW! I just can’t handle so much epicness. One thing is to be good at producing songs, and other entirely is to make a song so bitchin’ I want to have sex with it. Not with Momoko, not with Miyavi, hell, not even a trio with Yurina and Risako (Funny shit: While she’s not my favorite member and I make fun of her a lot, I rank her 2nd in my “Which Berryz Do I Want To Make A Baby With” scale)! WITH THE SONG. SEX WITH A SONG!

Le Video:

Tell me you hate this song. Just do it and I will rape you so hard you will not be able to shit properly for a year.

Pictured: You while taking a crap until March 10, 2012.

Song’s amazing, hands down (the intro could hand Perfume their ass whenever they like). But what really blew my shit off was the PV. Awesome costumes, Yurzilla in the middle (damn, that girl is tall!), sexy fat-ass doing her thing, even Momoko rocking the shit out of that little Lolita dress. And Maasa, whose existence I totally don’t give a single little crap for looks absolutely gorgeous. And the background, god, the BACKFUCKINGROUND! It looks so flashy, so brilliant. It heavily resembles (to me, at least) Daft Punk’s pyramid of fucking epic. Just watch the PV and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I’m just wondering right now, why the shit Berryz gets all the good stuff while MoMusu is getting “Mikan”? I mean, flagship group, anyone? UFA, what the hell’s wrong?

SEXY BEAAAAA-wait, this IS the wrong song, isn’t it?

Anyway, I want an explanation to the Lady Gaga’s parts. No, seriously, that’s totally random. It’s nonsense. Totally love it, but nonsense nonetheless. Maybe I would have hated it if their make-up didn’t rock mah shit. It’s subtle and you don’t really pay attention to it, but it looks really good and blends with the ridiculous wig just perfectly. Awesome production.

Awesome production indeed…

Yurzilla looking prettier every passing day.

Maasa just… existing. Chinami looks like she just cannot wait to get the fuck out of that place. Momoko is not totally getting what she’s doing there. Yurzilla is beautiful. Miyavi just looking cute. Risako, looking rather chubby but gorgeous. Captain just thinks everything about that photoshoot is hilarious.

“Last night’s party was soooo not worth it…”

Our name is Koubou. Berryz Koubou. *Kicks “°C-ute” in the fuckin’ face*

7 girls. One who is a fat ass. One who is a horse. One who does not age. One who likes puns. One who is freakishly tall. One who is the prettiest and is the captain. And one who is just… there.

Berryz Koubou is the spiritual successor of Morning Musume in what quality of songs and PV’s (and pretty much everything Momusu excelled in 2000-2005) refers (Tsunku, suck my dick). You could say that every single Momusu fan who didn’t change to AKB48 or Perfume after the “Great Downfall” in 2006-2007 is a Berryz fan (because nobody likes °C-ute. At least nobody with common sense.). And what’s so wrong about that?! Berryz has the sound, the looks, the moves, the Miyabi… I understand why the change. I dig it, kinda.

Shimizu Saki: I’m going to begin with the lead… uhm, CAPTAIN. Funny thing: I had to look up her name because I’m so used to call her Captain that I totally forgot it. Whoopsie.

Peace!

Ok, now I don’t really pay much attention to this girl. Why? Because I’m too busy paying attention to Miyabi to even bother.BUT! I’ve always considered her to be the prettiest in Berryz. Seriously. Just look at her. She’s not really gorgeous,nor has a tremendous body. She’s a simplistic beauty. And that’s her charm, you know? She’s like that girl from your block, who you don’t actually see because the other girls (namely, Risako) are way more popular and sexier (yeah, right). But when you actually see her, it’s like: “Oh, JESUS! Who’s that girl? She’s totally freakin’ hot!”. The thing is, she has lived in the house next to yours all along.

 

Tsugunaga Momoko: The ageless chick. She’s like the Abe in Berryz. I just can’t believe this girl is already 18! She in legal age DAMMIT!

Momoko is all about the hair. Also, she looks… well, really pretty in this photo.

Oh, sweet Momoko. Will you even hit puberty before you’re 20? Oh, and her voice is amazing… if she’s singing of course. Because if she is speaking… her voice will crawl into your skull like a thousand babies crying. Seriously, what’s with the high pitch? She sounds like a dying mule. Anyways, she gives me this image of an annoying little sister. You have to look after her at all times, and you have to chase away the perverted boys who are after her. Also, she seems to have huge boobs. Just for your information.

Tokunaga Chinami: Well, I see a lot of myself in this girl. She’s the funny (I use that word loosely) one in the group, which could be my case if I weren’t such a bad comedian.

Chinako Is Love.

Put glasses in her face. How about a schoolgirl uniform? But with the skirt under her knees. Now, throw in a pair of pigtail. And a cute ribbon in both of them. SHAZAM! We’ve got ourselves a nerd!

Because she is just perfect for that role. She wants to be funny, but her attempts at doing so are pathetic at best. Everyone makes fun of her, but in reality she’s a REALLY sexy and pretty girl. Your mileage may vary with the “sexy” part, though. But no one can deny she’s pretty. She may be one of H!P’s prettiest members as of this year. Just look at her again, and tell me: Wouldn’t you like to bite those soft cheeks?!

Sudou Maasa: BLEH.

…

Why someone would be her fan, is a complete mystery to me. She’s not a particularly good singer. She’s not really that pretty. She doesn’t have any kind of singular personality. She’s kinda cute, but the average cute for H!P. Her only remarkable trait is her eyes, which I find utterly beautiful. But that’s not enough. Not for Berryz. Not for ME.

She’s the friend you’ll never see sentimentally nor sexually attractive. Kinda like a sister.

Natsuyaki Miyabi: Oh, we are getting to really wotaish places here.

I’d ride that, for sure.

Why do I love her? She has a wonderful smile, you see. She shares her birthday with me, you see. She looks kinda like an ex-girlfriend, you see. And she’s the most odd-looking of the bunch, you see.

I have a thing for weird shit. I’m not saying Miya is weird shit, but she’s not like anyone in H!P. I ‘ve just felt this thing twice in the past, and it was for Kago Ai, and Ishikawa Rika. Kago was really a cutie back then, but she was a total natural. I fell in love with her all over again, each day. For Rika, it was more like a Love-Hate situation, aye? I mean, I though she was really hilarious, but at the same time I despised her way of talking, and that she took herself really seriously. For Miya, it is no different. She is shy, but she’s always smiling. She is really kind-looking for me.and she’s not the prettiest girl in all of H!P, but she has something that attracts me. Or like a Jedi would say: “She’s an echo in th Force.”. And unlike many other idols, she seems to have fun with what she is doing. She’s like your best friend ever, who, one fateful day, looked gorgeous to you. And like Kago Ai (and some other person who may or may not be Ella Fitzgerald or whatever) say (modified, of course): “Although she may not be the girl some men think of as pretty, to my heart she carries the key!”.

Kumai Yurina: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKIN’ JESUS GODZILLA IS SINGING WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

YURZILLA IS FUCKIN’ HUNGRY!

SWEET JESUS I REGRET EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE PLEASE STOP THIS SHITTY TORTURE MAKE HER STOP SHE IS SINGING AND I FEAR FOR US ALL OH GOD WHY DOES SHE EXISTS MOTHER OF THE GREAT CHERRY PIE SHE LOOKS REALLY PISSED I THINK SHE IS GOING TO SING AGAIN PLEASE PUT AN END TO THIS HOSTILITY OH SHIT SHE LOOKED AT ME I’M GOING TO FUCKIN’ DIE SHE IS GOING TO MAKE ME BRUSH HER HAIR I’M GOING TO BE HER BRUSHING BITCH NO PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME OH ZOMBIE JESUS PLEASE SAVE MY SORRY ASS FROM DESTRUCTION.

She’s the tall one. She is smokin’ hot. She is beautiful. She can sing. You’d do her IF SHE WASN’T YOUR OLDER SISTER, YOU GODDAMMED SICK (WO)MAN!

Sugaya Risako: Dark times come ahead, my very young padawan.

You are what you eat. And she is eating a bigass hippopotamus. I emphasize “ASS”.

Maybe I’m getting out of hand with the insults. Truth is, I don’t hate her. Well, not really. She’s pretty, yes, and I’d do that ass, yes. Thing is, I’ve always hated that girl in school who is really popular and feels really self-important. But actually, I loved her when Berryz was still new (and when she wasn’t a fatass). She looks to me like a good girl getting out of line, that’s all. And quite frankly, I’m somewhat in love with her. I show it by insulting her and her body. Weird? Maybe. Funny? For me, it totally is.

 

Well, I guess this is over. Well, I may very well be going, becau…

HOLYMOTHER! I FORGOT!

Remember the time when there were not 7, but 8 Berryz?

 

Ishimura Maiha: The rabbit.

Was it worth the time, Tsunku♂?

I don’t really know anything about her. She’s a complete stranger to me. And let it stay that way for the time being. I want to make fun of her mouse face until I drop dead. She left Berryz to “focus on her studies”. Well, we all know what that means? Either she was getting really drunk, or getting really mischievous, or getting really kissy with a neighbour. Or maybe she was telling the truth, who knows? She was one of the first to come up with that excuse.

 

WEEEEEEEELL THAT AIN’T MAH BOY BUT THE BROTHER IS HEAVY!

 

How did you like this half-assed review? Was it good? Was it bad? Frankly I don’t give a shit.