Tag Archives: Review

EW’s take on J-pop | What music does EW really listen to? | Latest(ish) H!P & AKB48 News

13 May

Hey, how’s it going! EW’s back in the game, bitches!

So, it has been some crazy 4 months and a half, right? Shitload of uh, shit has been going down lately, and DAMN! It got me with my trousers halfway my legs (and by this I mean SURPRISE BUTSECKS). But first things first.

Some time ago, some random dude whose name was hilariously stupid asked me what kind of music I use to hear. My favorite genre, if you will. I  was talking with another H!P hardcore fan that happened to be friends of my girl (WHO IS SO CUTE, BTW), so I said: “J-Pop all the way!”. But I guess he didn’t believe me, because the look on his face was like: “You fuckin’ wannabe Wota motherfucker asshole shit”, like he was the real deal and I was not.

He looked something like this. Douchebag scum.

And this is me… I uh… oh.

Anyway, he interrogated me for what felt like a couple of minutes ’till I finally grew tired of his bullshit. I don’t like being harassed by what kind of music do I hear, or why do I hear it. It’s music, dammit! LET ME HEAR IT ALONE, YOU BASTARD.

So yeah. Have you ever wondered what kind of music do I hear? I bet you have. So this is the answer.

Anything’s good.

Of course, there are a couple of genre that I dislike. For example I can’t stand Reggaeton, I fuckin’ hate salsa, rumba, cumbia, duranguense and so on (genres that over hear, in Mexico, people like a lot), and I’m not specially fond of the rock of the 50’s & 60’s. I personally believe that The Beatles are way too overrated. And I actually kind of like Nickelback. Yeah, I KNOW. NICKELBACK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I have never, ever inclined my taste in music for a lone genre. I love Reggae, 70’s & 80’s Rock, J-Pop (well, obviously my dear little angels) and some Rap. While not a fan, I enjoy Dubstep. I could hear to every Metal style out there and I don’t dislike Pop at all. So my taste in music could be flawless or really fuckin’ horrible, depending on your point of view or who do you ask.

So after I tried to make this fucker understand what was up with me, he began preaching me about J-Pop like I hadn’t been a fan for like the LAST DECADE. He told me it was the best music he ever heard, that everyone should just hear it and fall in love with it. And then I stopped him, because his argument was laughable at best.

Don’t get me wrong. J-Pop is something so amazing for me that I could almost jizz in my pants when the likes of Yûko or Maeda Atsuko start singing. But actually, I’m quite aware that J-Pop may be one of the most horrible genres in the whole world… it is, definitely and without fear of being corrected, the most ridiculous one.

There are plenty of amazing songs, I won’t deny that. There is a reason why LOVE Machine sold a TRILLION of copies. There is a reason why AKB48 has sold so much in the past 4 years. There is a reason why people like Henkka (who has an amazing taste in music, BTW) like to hear all that shit. My god, there’s a reason why here in the West people hear J-Pop, even when we have so much amazing stuff over here (well… not recent & popular stuff, that is).

 It didn’t sell a trillion. But sometimes I like to pretend it did. MOMUSU FTW.

But in general, they kind of suck. Not because they have poor quality, but because they hear just like the FUCKTON OTHER SONGS I HAVE ALREADY HEARD.

I don’t even have to give you all examples. Just compare most B-side songs in each single, look me in the eyes and swear for your butthole’s safety that you don’t think it sounds way too familiar. Just do it. You won’t regret it… or maybe you will, because fuck it, it hurts. Little things like those make me believe that Tsunku’s (or to be precise, UFA’s) effort in producing a well-rounded, nice to hear song are nothing but chaff.

It was hard for me to face the truth. But hey… can I say that Munasawagi Scarlet still and forever will ROCK MY SOCKS?!

So… now the news.

Maeda Atsuko to graduate. AKB48 fans cry. EW flips the middle finger and calls “bullshit” on this one.

Because that’s what is. Bullfuckinshit. I just can’t start to believe it. I mean, there’s no single shred of information concerning her reasons to graduate. It’s way too sudden. I’ll go ahead and presume she’s being gently retired for some weird and nasty shit she might have pulled off. I mean, come on… Maeda? Wouldn’t Takahashi make more sense (PLEASE GOD NOT HER)? I mean… Face of DA GROUP, anyone?

Meh… I’ll miss her, for sure. I mean, she was the 4th reason I got into AKB48 in the first place. She kinda looked like Kamei. Her smile is one of the greatest EVAR. Now I won’t see her smile in AKBwhateveriscalled’s show. Fuck you, MUMBOJUMBOPRODUCERPIECEOFSHIT.

EW is getting in W.O.T.A. mode.

Next…

Morning Musume meets Resident Evil.

Morning Musume’s next play, Stacies Shoujo Saisatsu Kageki, will see the light on June 6. The bummer is, that Aika (yaaay!) and Michishige (owwwwww…) won’t be appearing in this play. Dammit. Anyway, apparently some chicks get killed (in a gruesome way, I want to believe) and soon turn into zombies, or “Stacies”, and someone who might or might not be the President of a shady pharmaceutical company recruits a group of other chicks so they can exterminate those zombie-chicks. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Personally, MM’s plays have never failed to amuse me; I’ve loved every single one of them. Now I can’t wait to see how “zombies” fit in with “songs about the matter at hand”.

What do I expect? A bitchy Tanaka dual-wielding some badass sawn-off shotguns and a Chainsaw-wielding Riho, all covered in blood, organs and shit. Not literal (but actually might be).

And finally, some random news:

  • Go Hiromi is going to get married. AGAIN.
  • Yûko’s wedding in July or something like that. HOORAY!
  • Hamasaki Ayumi gets divorce’d. BOOHOO.
  • AKB48 makes charity. Wins 1.8(ish) billion yens. HOLY FUCK.

 

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The Oracle, I am. Bow, thou must.

4 Jan

Remember when I said “WAAAA Ai is graduating! I can see the future! Niigaki is going to get fucked!”, and then I uploaded a photo of Risa? Wow, wasn’t that fuckin’ hilarious?!

Except that, now that it’s actually true, it’s not. God dammit, jokes sure get old. FAST.

So yeah.

Niigaki is graduating next spring! About time! I was like, completely and utterly damn sure that Risa, not Ai, was going to be the first one to get the short end of the stick. You can imagine my surprise (not) when Ai announced her graduation last year. Now, well… It’s the logical next step, isn’t it?

But for me, this closes another chapter in the huge book that MM is. For years, we have seen what’s left of the Golden Era’s MM leading the group, teaching juniors and taking names. For years now, the 5th generation became the face of MM, the only two familiar faces for the casual fans and hardcore fans alike. But as of this spring, that will be no more. The last Golden Era Momusu is graduating, and that leaves nothing but sad faces all over the world. I know, tragic, isn’t it?

In a personal level, I feel… old. Tired. Like I’m part of an older era, like I’m barely catching up to the times. I see Morning Musume and I see young girls. Some of them, I double in age. I look at them and I see the next generation getting in front of me, stopping me and leaving me behind with only the memories of the Musume that I used to know and love. In a way, it’s like I’m keeping myself behind, afraid of catching up with the new era, afraid it will disappoint me, or that it will simply not be the same. I just want to remember MM as it was when Kago was in it, when Mikitty was in it, when Koharu was in it. When Goto was in it…

And then, there’s another voice inside me.

And that voice says:

 

 

 

 

FUCK YOU, YOU GODDAMN PUSSY. I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL LOVE MORNING MUSUME.

(I sure know how to ruin the mood. I’m a master of this shit.)

For some reason, I deny myself to leave Morning Musume behind. I just can’t. I can’t help but love them… they have been for the longest time. They have been there, even if I occasionally get distracted by the sexier, or the prettier, or the more talented group all over the world. But in the end, I will always get back to them.

This is why, I can’t feel anything but happiness about this news. Niigaki is going to get an upgrade (hopefully) and go out to the real showbiz, to do what she wants without fearing the press, or the news! Niigaki, who gave us a lot of precious moments, is finally breaking free of the cage that UFA got her. Finally…

Finally…

 

Finally.

 

 

Finally?

 

 

 

FINALLY?!

 

 

 

 

FINALLY!

 

Morning Musume’s Sayumi Michishige is going to get the spot she always desired! RIIDA! RIIDA! RIIDA!

Not pictured: MY HUGE BONER.

That’s right! Logic tells me that Shige is going to get the spot. Why? Well, she’s the eldest. I can actually see her being the leader. What about Reina, you ask? Well, she has al the capabilities of becoming one, sure. It’s just… I mean, if Reina does get the leader spot, who will be in the front row?

Riho? She’s still too green. Sure, in a matter of years, months even, she is going to become an unstoppable force. She is going to be Takahashi Ai V 2.0; upgraded with cuter looks, prettier legs and everything. But as of now, she just can’t handle the huge responsibility of being in front. It’s just too much.

What about Aika? Wan-chan can’t possibly be in front. Not a chance. BUT she is sure to get the leader spot one day. She has that feeling, of course.

The others? Too green, even more so than Riho. Everyone’s singing is going to get better, of course, but all of them are barely learning how to do it. They would have to be very fast to manage in months what a lot of past girls couldn’t do in years.

So, Reina has to keep that place. She has to carry the weight of being in front, helped by Riho, Aika… and maybe Fukumura? I don’t know. I guess is best to keep everything as it was, plus having Michishige in the leader position. Maybe a tiny audition, perhaps? That combination can’t fail. What could possibly go wrong?

*smirk*

HUGE NEWS! (And my reaction!) || My opinions about the oncoming Kouhaku

22 Dec

Hey, Ladies & Gentlemen. I have a bunch of news to share with you, starting with the most “DAFUQ” entry and finishing with something more like “Oh…”. So yeah.

LOVE BASKET IS MARRIED AND PREGNANT!

Today I was all like: “Hey, I’m going to check out Generasia, it’s been a while.”

And hilarity ensued.

I was checkin’ all the news (“ISSA getting married, what the hell?” and multiple news about how AKB48 is outselling every idol group ever) until I saw Kago’s face. You can guess my very first reaction, no?

“Here we go again…”

You get why, don’t you? I mean, disaster after disaster is only logical to facepalm oneself when seeing Kago’s face all over the news. But this was an exception. Suddenly I realized there was not one, but two words that proved that everything that I used to think as true was nothing but bullshit. Which words, you say?

PREGNANCY

MARRIAGE

I looked for some seconds the heading of the post. It was like my mind couldn’t handle what was in front of me. But it was true. In that moment I didn’t waste time at all: I jumped out of my seat and began laughing nervously, like if I was seeing something that was bizarre, wrong in every way. “I don’t believe it. I can’t.”, I muttered, completely astonished about what was I seeing. The reality hit me: Kago Ai, the lovely and fucked up Aibon, was getting married and pregnant with a “Mini Kago-chan”, as she herself put it.

I did exactly that. I got excited for less than a second and then I put my Serious Face on. I had to be sure. Nobody gets between me and the truth.

I went to Hello!Online and the same. Everyone on Kago’s thread is talking about her. I went to International Wota, and the same. Then I got up, and looked at the computer. I point with both hands to it and smiled… “You’re pretty good.”

This is huge. And what’s even more fascinating is the seemingly affection the rest of the Momusu gang gives to her. Tsuji, Ogawa, Mikitty and even Yaguchi (!!!) congratulated her. It’s good to know that although still being a persona non-grata in UFA’s eyes, the rest of the girls still care for her, even a little. I am glad… for some reason, I believe this thing is going to work out pretty well. Even if I bashed her because of the little incident 3 months ago, I am led to believe this is going to make her mature. Not the marriage thingy (nobody knows for sure who she is marrying, but some believe it is to the “Yakuza Guy” the news spoke about. Is the baby I am talking about… GOD! I just can’t get it in my head! Little Aibon is going to be Kago-mama! Congrats!

(Go here to see Generasia’s post about it)

And now…

GOTO MAKI TAKES HIATUS. FANS START BITCHIN’.

Now that’s sad. Apparently the events surrounding her mother (R.I.P) are the main reason for taking this hiatus. I’m sure the impact was huge to her; losing a family member isn’t easy, at all. The hiatus is going to start next month… and as for the reasons… she seems to want a normal life, a life where not only she does not need to live in a world where a single mistake can ruin you ENTIRELY. But a world that’s full of hypocrisy, of cruelty and lies. While I don’t particularly like the idea (she’s my very first Momusu, after all), if she wants to do this, I give her my full support. She didn’t give any particular detail about the hiatus, so we don’t know if it is temporal, permanent or if she hasn’t decided which it is yet. I guess we only have to wait. In the meantime… SEE YOU SOON, GOTO MAKI!

Until next time :D

Next stop…

AKB48 GETS AN ANIME. AND TOMO-CHIN IS NOT IN IT. THE BASTARDS.

Yes! Japan’s current top Idol group, AKB48 (yeah, eat that shit, H!P followers!), is getting an anime adaptation that will begin airing in April-ish. And what’s the plot? In a long time there’s going to exist an underground “guerilla” Idol group called AKB0048, in a universe where entertainment is forbidden and apparently the Universal Police act like Pixies and try to fuck up everyone who haves fun. Oh yeah, and the Earth is destroyed. Or inhabitable. Or something. AKB0048 then entertains the space and defies the Universal Police by… singing. And Tomomi is dead (I presume).

Yeah, it’s that absurd. No, I didn’t make that up. Of course, I’m going to watch that shit.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

And finally…

KOUHAKU!

It seems this year’s edition is going to rock! Such amazing performers as Koda Kumi, Porno Grafitti, SMAP, Go Hiromi, AYAKA, Matsuda Seiko (♥), Hamasaki Ayumi (well, of course), Shiina Ringo, Perfume (YEAH!), and Tomomi & Friends are going to be present for the festival. I hope to be at Japan when it is celebrated, so I can have a massive FANGASM. Oh yeah!

And once again, Morning Musume’s absence in the festival is the most noticeable. I can only hope for them to appear in the next one.

FUCK YEAH!

16 Mar

I just have to share this with you guys, but I think some of you might have watched it already. I haven’t seen such an amazing feat in a long time. It’s about this little dude (who we shall call “Skeleguy” bullying this other fat kid (also known as “Patty-Boy”). I mean, just watch it and you know why I am so excited about it.

Warning: Image’s quality is shitty at best.

“‘Sup girls, I’m here just, you know, being a fuckin’ douche. Just the usual.”

At this moment I was like “Meh, another boy getting bullied”. I wasn’t bullied back in the day, just the ocassional “Four-eyes” and “Nalganator” (Wich loosely translates to “Assnator”. I had a huge ass back then and I was skinny, so I looked kinda funny… I guess.) stuff. I mostly gave a crap about it, but I always got into trouble for standing up for my best friend (little guy, skinny, fuckload of acne) and his brother (pretty much the same, not so acne-ridden and more kind of a ladies’ man tough). I wasn’t big myself, so they kicked the shit out of me every single time.

HEADSHOT!

At this moment Patty-Boy gets punched. Hard. I can’t express how much rage I get inside. “COME ON BITCH, SHOW HIM WHAT YOU’VE GOT!” I screamed. Patty-Boy was 2 times the man Skeleguy was. Still, he did nothing. Two girls watched the show, actually amused of what was going on. Bitches.

“Oh no, he didn’t!”

At this moment Skeleguy was feeling big, like he was the real shit. Patty-Boy got mad, really mad. I mean, look at his big fat fist. The way he closes it tells you his Rage Meter just went up to eleven. He was angry. I bet even more angry at the dancing Skeleguy just in front of him. Then, Skeleguy punched (softly I might add) his tummy, thinking Patty-Boy was defeated. Destroyed in shame and agony. He saw his opponent defeated. He tought he had already won.

Then shit got very fuckin’ real.

OH SHIT.

Showing the speed and agility you would expect of a really fuckin’ fast and really fuckin’ agile fat kid, Patty-Boy snapped and grabbed his opponent and forced him into submission. But Skeleguy, denying Patty-Boy of his sweet victory tried to resist. He did pretty well at first. He was skinny, Patty-Boy doubled him in size. Such an amazing feat, to have the weight of two yous and still don’t give up. But then…

ME IS ANGRY!

Patty-Boy, praying to the Nordic gods to lend him strength, lifts Skeleguy up to his shoulder, and even more. He literally Hulked the fuck up, unlocked the hidden potential of his blood, the blood of a long-lost royal family. I have to say, I didn’t expect this. Sure, just throwing him or making him fall on his ass would have worked for me. Patty-Boy gained my respect when he stood up and grabbed that little shit. By now, I have seen how a fat kid grows some balls. And right now, I have just seen how the  boy becomes a man. The apprentice becomes the master. The mortal becomes the god. The Patty-Boy becomes…

BURGER-DUDE SMASH!

The new man, Burger-Dude literally crashed his arch-nemesis onto the ground, getting him out of combat. The amount of damage Skeleguy took was enormous, but the amount of damage his ego took was even bigger. Burger-Dude fucked him up really good. Destroyed. His self-esteem shattered below the victorious feet of the man formerly know as Patty-Boy. At this moment this other dude comes up (dubbed “Minister Of Crapping-Myself City”). Minister Of Crapping-Myself City gets between the two combatants, presumably swearing at Burger-Dude and all he stands for, but without making a single move on him. His fear was so great that he just couldn’t bring himself to make Burger-Dude angry. Burger-Dude smiled. He could have killed the Minister Of Crapping-Myself City, of course. But he didn’t. His real enemy lies on the ground, defeated. He didn’t need to spill more blood. And as big legends do, he turned around, left whatever honor Skeleguy had left intact, an leaved the place with his mighty fist up in the air while the sound of his epicness came out of nowhere. Nobody could match him. Nobody could keep up with him. Rumours says that he became Captain Burger-Dude, Defender Of The Bullied sometime after. Others say that he disappeared mysteriously, leaving to unknown places where the bullied are bullied by a bully who bullies. Nobody knows for sure.

DA! DA DA DA! DA DA DA! DADDADDA! THEEEE EYEE OF THE TIGEEEEEEEEER! ♪

I’m not a pro-violence person. But Burger-Dude gotta do what Burger-Dude gotta do.

“Let him go Minister. He won.” “Phew, glad you stopped me. Mind if go to the bathroom?” “Do you feel ill?” “If by “feel ill” you mean “totally shit my pants”, then yes I do.”

Le video:

EDIT: The vid was deleted, sorry. Anyway, google “fat kid fights back” and you’ll be able to see it, I hope.

“Heroine ni Narou ka!” is SEXY as hell. Even Momoko.

10 Mar

WOW. I mean, WOW! I just can’t handle so much epicness. One thing is to be good at producing songs, and other entirely is to make a song so bitchin’ I want to have sex with it. Not with Momoko, not with Miyavi, hell, not even a trio with Yurina and Risako (Funny shit: While she’s not my favorite member and I make fun of her a lot, I rank her 2nd in my “Which Berryz Do I Want To Make A Baby With” scale)! WITH THE SONG. SEX WITH A SONG!

Le Video:

Tell me you hate this song. Just do it and I will rape you so hard you will not be able to shit properly for a year.

Pictured: You while taking a crap until March 10, 2012.

Song’s amazing, hands down (the intro could hand Perfume their ass whenever they like). But what really blew my shit off was the PV. Awesome costumes, Yurzilla in the middle (damn, that girl is tall!), sexy fat-ass doing her thing, even Momoko rocking the shit out of that little Lolita dress. And Maasa, whose existence I totally don’t give a single little crap for looks absolutely gorgeous. And the background, god, the BACKFUCKINGROUND! It looks so flashy, so brilliant. It heavily resembles (to me, at least) Daft Punk’s pyramid of fucking epic. Just watch the PV and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I’m just wondering right now, why the shit Berryz gets all the good stuff while MoMusu is getting “Mikan”? I mean, flagship group, anyone? UFA, what the hell’s wrong?

SEXY BEAAAAA-wait, this IS the wrong song, isn’t it?

Anyway, I want an explanation to the Lady Gaga’s parts. No, seriously, that’s totally random. It’s nonsense. Totally love it, but nonsense nonetheless. Maybe I would have hated it if their make-up didn’t rock mah shit. It’s subtle and you don’t really pay attention to it, but it looks really good and blends with the ridiculous wig just perfectly. Awesome production.

Awesome production indeed…
Yurzilla looking prettier every passing day.
Maasa just… existing. Chinami looks like she just cannot wait to get the fuck out of that place. Momoko is not totally getting what she’s doing there. Yurzilla is beautiful. Miyavi just looking cute. Risako, looking rather chubby but gorgeous. Captain just thinks everything about that photoshoot is hilarious.
“Last night’s party was soooo not worth it…”

Amazing.

4 Mar

I just want to comment something. The new motherfuckin’ song. Full motherfuckin’ preview is here. I’m so amazed right now I can’t even think, let alone rationalize like a perfectly normal person. But I do blogging about japanese music (mostly, at least), so I just can’t be a normal person.

Also, check out this other video. Dance lessons w/ Kyukkies. Definitely a must see. For real.

I was shitting bricks when I saw Riho dance. DAMN THAT GIRL HAS SOME NASTY TALENT RIGHT FUCKIN’ THERE! Also, I didn’t expect something from myself. As they dance, the rest of the group intrudes in. Then, we get this next shot of all Momusu dancing together. As in a group. Suddenly, I got this chill in my spine and began to tremble as I put my hands over my mouth and let a loud, deep, creepy and manly fangirl-ish squeal.

Exactly my expression. Only without the ejaculaaaaaaaaaw fuck I totally ruined my new pants!

Maji desu ka SKA! [A really small Review]

2 Mar

I just listened to the “preview” of the new single. I have to say, I didn’t expect the kind of catchy, upbeat, happy song the Golden Era was known for. Still, I liked it, but not as much as I would want (I’m not really a fan of upbeat songs, with the exception of “Souda!”). But hey, at least they seem to have already given up with the “Oh I’m such a sad girl I need love fast” kinda songs. Good move there, Tsunku♂. It’s weird too. I don’t feel like I’m listening to the Momusu of 2011. It feels like I’m back in 2004, when every song H!P did had a “never-ending fun” feeling around them, when Tsunku didn’t gave a fuck about anything. He just made songs, crazy ass songs, upbeat songs, random songs, stupid songs, and most of them became classics in the fans ears. A lot of people compare “Maji Desu Ka SKA!” with “Koko Ni Iruzee!”, and it’s true. For me it has a more Petitmoni-ish kinda sound.

In fact, the song itself doesn’t amuse me as much as hearing the new members sing do. I mean, I lost the track of how much I raped the play button just to hear them sing, again and again and again. I was surprised too. Videos show them really nervous and restless as they record the song. I really feared they would sound Koharu-like. But it wasn’t like that at all. Riho rocked it, Ikuta’s voice was a little bit deeper than Riho’s, so I basically thought the same of her. Mizuki’s part I expected to be fabulous (given that she is the experienced one), but it wasn’t that special. Still, pretty darn good. But Suzuki surprised me to no end. Her voice is way lower than any of the other 3, so that and that her voice rocked made her stand out. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a thing for girls with deep voice, like Takahashi (Lulz) or Chisato. Seriously, if Chisato didn’t exist, I would really give a fine fuck about C-ute. But let us not make this a “Why I could love C-ute more but I just don’t care enough” post. It may be one in the future though.

How could you say “No” to this face?
Like this.

Le Video

A new era has begun. 9th Generation time has come. Don’t wet your pants AKB48. Although you don’t have to, I really doubt they overpower you.

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