EW’s take on J-pop | What music does EW really listen to? | Latest(ish) H!P & AKB48 News

Hey, how’s it going! EW’s back in the game, bitches!

So, it has been some crazy 4 months and a half, right? Shitload of uh, shit has been going down lately, and DAMN! It got me with my trousers halfway my legs (and by this I mean SURPRISE BUTSECKS). But first things first.

Some time ago, some random dude whose name was hilariously stupid asked me what kind of music I use to hear. My favorite genre, if you will. I  was talking with another H!P hardcore fan that happened to be friends of my girl (WHO IS SO CUTE, BTW), so I said: “J-Pop all the way!”. But I guess he didn’t believe me, because the look on his face was like: “You fuckin’ wannabe Wota motherfucker asshole shit”, like he was the real deal and I was not.

He looked something like this. Douchebag scum.

And this is me… I uh… oh.

Anyway, he interrogated me for what felt like a couple of minutes ’till I finally grew tired of his bullshit. I don’t like being harassed by what kind of music do I hear, or why do I hear it. It’s music, dammit! LET ME HEAR IT ALONE, YOU BASTARD.

So yeah. Have you ever wondered what kind of music do I hear? I bet you have. So this is the answer.

Anything’s good.

Of course, there are a couple of genre that I dislike. For example I can’t stand Reggaeton, I fuckin’ hate salsa, rumba, cumbia, duranguense and so on (genres that over hear, in Mexico, people like a lot), and I’m not specially fond of the rock of the 50’s & 60’s. I personally believe that The Beatles are way too overrated. And I actually kind of like Nickelback. Yeah, I KNOW. NICKELBACK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I have never, ever inclined my taste in music for a lone genre. I love Reggae, 70’s & 80’s Rock, J-Pop (well, obviously my dear little angels) and some Rap. While not a fan, I enjoy Dubstep. I could hear to every Metal style out there and I don’t dislike Pop at all. So my taste in music could be flawless or really fuckin’ horrible, depending on your point of view or who do you ask.

So after I tried to make this fucker understand what was up with me, he began preaching me about J-Pop like I hadn’t been a fan for like the LAST DECADE. He told me it was the best music he ever heard, that everyone should just hear it and fall in love with it. And then I stopped him, because his argument was laughable at best.

Don’t get me wrong. J-Pop is something so amazing for me that I could almost jizz in my pants when the likes of Yûko or Maeda Atsuko start singing. But actually, I’m quite aware that J-Pop may be one of the most horrible genres in the whole world… it is, definitely and without fear of being corrected, the most ridiculous one.

There are plenty of amazing songs, I won’t deny that. There is a reason why LOVE Machine sold a TRILLION of copies. There is a reason why AKB48 has sold so much in the past 4 years. There is a reason why people like Henkka (who has an amazing taste in music, BTW) like to hear all that shit. My god, there’s a reason why here in the West people hear J-Pop, even when we have so much amazing stuff over here (well… not recent & popular stuff, that is).

 It didn’t sell a trillion. But sometimes I like to pretend it did. MOMUSU FTW.

But in general, they kind of suck. Not because they have poor quality, but because they hear just like the FUCKTON OTHER SONGS I HAVE ALREADY HEARD.

I don’t even have to give you all examples. Just compare most B-side songs in each single, look me in the eyes and swear for your butthole’s safety that you don’t think it sounds way too familiar. Just do it. You won’t regret it… or maybe you will, because fuck it, it hurts. Little things like those make me believe that Tsunku’s (or to be precise, UFA’s) effort in producing a well-rounded, nice to hear song are nothing but chaff.

It was hard for me to face the truth. But hey… can I say that Munasawagi Scarlet still and forever will ROCK MY SOCKS?!

So… now the news.

Maeda Atsuko to graduate. AKB48 fans cry. EW flips the middle finger and calls “bullshit” on this one.

Because that’s what is. Bullfuckinshit. I just can’t start to believe it. I mean, there’s no single shred of information concerning her reasons to graduate. It’s way too sudden. I’ll go ahead and presume she’s being gently retired for some weird and nasty shit she might have pulled off. I mean, come on… Maeda? Wouldn’t Takahashi make more sense (PLEASE GOD NOT HER)? I mean… Face of DA GROUP, anyone?

Meh… I’ll miss her, for sure. I mean, she was the 4th reason I got into AKB48 in the first place. She kinda looked like Kamei. Her smile is one of the greatest EVAR. Now I won’t see her smile in AKBwhateveriscalled’s show. Fuck you, MUMBOJUMBOPRODUCERPIECEOFSHIT.

EW is getting in W.O.T.A. mode.

Next…

Morning Musume meets Resident Evil.

Morning Musume’s next play, Stacies Shoujo Saisatsu Kageki, will see the light on June 6. The bummer is, that Aika (yaaay!) and Michishige (owwwwww…) won’t be appearing in this play. Dammit. Anyway, apparently some chicks get killed (in a gruesome way, I want to believe) and soon turn into zombies, or “Stacies”, and someone who might or might not be the President of a shady pharmaceutical company recruits a group of other chicks so they can exterminate those zombie-chicks. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Personally, MM’s plays have never failed to amuse me; I’ve loved every single one of them. Now I can’t wait to see how “zombies” fit in with “songs about the matter at hand”.

What do I expect? A bitchy Tanaka dual-wielding some badass sawn-off shotguns and a Chainsaw-wielding Riho, all covered in blood, organs and shit. Not literal (but actually might be).

And finally, some random news:

• Go Hiromi is going to get married. AGAIN.
• Yûko’s wedding in July or something like that. HOORAY!
• Hamasaki Ayumi gets divorce’d. BOOHOO.
• AKB48 makes charity. Wins 1.8(ish) billion yens. HOLY FUCK.

 

The Oracle, I am. Bow, thou must.

Remember when I said “WAAAA Ai is graduating! I can see the future! Niigaki is going to get fucked!”, and then I uploaded a photo of Risa? Wow, wasn’t that fuckin’ hilarious?!

Except that, now that it’s actually true, it’s not. God dammit, jokes sure get old. FAST.

So yeah.

Niigaki is graduating next spring! About time! I was like, completely and utterly damn sure that Risa, not Ai, was going to be the first one to get the short end of the stick. You can imagine my surprise (not) when Ai announced her graduation last year. Now, well… It’s the logical next step, isn’t it?

But for me, this closes another chapter in the huge book that MM is. For years, we have seen what’s left of the Golden Era’s MM leading the group, teaching juniors and taking names. For years now, the 5th generation became the face of MM, the only two familiar faces for the casual fans and hardcore fans alike. But as of this spring, that will be no more. The last Golden Era Momusu is graduating, and that leaves nothing but sad faces all over the world. I know, tragic, isn’t it?

In a personal level, I feel… old. Tired. Like I’m part of an older era, like I’m barely catching up to the times. I see Morning Musume and I see young girls. Some of them, I double in age. I look at them and I see the next generation getting in front of me, stopping me and leaving me behind with only the memories of the Musume that I used to know and love. In a way, it’s like I’m keeping myself behind, afraid of catching up with the new era, afraid it will disappoint me, or that it will simply not be the same. I just want to remember MM as it was when Kago was in it, when Mikitty was in it, when Koharu was in it. When Goto was in it…

And then, there’s another voice inside me.

And that voice says:

 

 

 

 

FUCK YOU, YOU GODDAMN PUSSY. I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL LOVE MORNING MUSUME.

(I sure know how to ruin the mood. I’m a master of this shit.)

For some reason, I deny myself to leave Morning Musume behind. I just can’t. I can’t help but love them… they have been for the longest time. They have been there, even if I occasionally get distracted by the sexier, or the prettier, or the more talented group all over the world. But in the end, I will always get back to them.

This is why, I can’t feel anything but happiness about this news. Niigaki is going to get an upgrade (hopefully) and go out to the real showbiz, to do what she wants without fearing the press, or the news! Niigaki, who gave us a lot of precious moments, is finally breaking free of the cage that UFA got her. Finally…

Finally…

 

Finally.

 

 

Finally?

 

 

 

FINALLY?!

 

 

 

 

FINALLY!

 

Morning Musume’s Sayumi Michishige is going to get the spot she always desired! RIIDA! RIIDA! RIIDA!

Not pictured: MY HUGE BONER.

That’s right! Logic tells me that Shige is going to get the spot. Why? Well, she’s the eldest. I can actually see her being the leader. What about Reina, you ask? Well, she has al the capabilities of becoming one, sure. It’s just… I mean, if Reina does get the leader spot, who will be in the front row?

Riho? She’s still too green. Sure, in a matter of years, months even, she is going to become an unstoppable force. She is going to be Takahashi Ai V 2.0; upgraded with cuter looks, prettier legs and everything. But as of now, she just can’t handle the huge responsibility of being in front. It’s just too much.

What about Aika? Wan-chan can’t possibly be in front. Not a chance. BUT she is sure to get the leader spot one day. She has that feeling, of course.

The others? Too green, even more so than Riho. Everyone’s singing is going to get better, of course, but all of them are barely learning how to do it. They would have to be very fast to manage in months what a lot of past girls couldn’t do in years.

So, Reina has to keep that place. She has to carry the weight of being in front, helped by Riho, Aika… and maybe Fukumura? I don’t know. I guess is best to keep everything as it was, plus having Michishige in the leader position. Maybe a tiny audition, perhaps? That combination can’t fail. What could possibly go wrong?

*smirk*

Onna to Otoko no Lullaby Game. It. Does. Not. Suck. At. All.

The last post was made under the influence of alcohol and sleep deprivation, so bear with me (<- Hey, yet another well-managed pun!… God, I suck). I just want to make myself clear. I do not hate the new single. In fact, it kicks a lot of ass. So, there’s a review of it:

Explosive Isamu presents: Why Onna to Otoko no Lullaby Game may be Momusu’s best single in 2 years.

When I saw that the PV was already out, my heart rushed with emotion. Was it going to be awesome? Or maybe it would be a total failure? My hand was really shaking when I clicked the play button, and then I proceeded to embrace my legs in fear. The music played and while I didn’t love it immediately, it sure had a very nice beat to it. “Hey, this is not half-bad. Actually, it’s catchy…” I said, fearing some stupid interlude or some ridiculous non-singing dance was going to appear (Kimagure Princess made famous this last point. We all agree that dance was really shitty?). But it didn’t. I just kept hearing to the song, and smiling. THIS was what Momusu has been lacking of lately. And it seems they found it again.

The total stop between some lines, the “Da~kedo sono uchi ni…” line (or something like that), Reina’s solo line (in the PV she looks absolutely gorgeous) at the beginning of the interlude before the chorus, the not over-the-top but still pretty dance… the violin, for god’s sake, THE VIOLIN! (Because it is a violin, right?)

Another thing that impressed me was their dresses when they are standing on water. Those are really beautiful dresses. But the prettiest of the bunch is without a doubt Reina’s blue dress, followed by JunJun’s and LinLin’s in a (close) second and third place, respectively. The others are beautiful too, but I think these three deserved a special mention (also because I’m totally biased I paid more attention to them than to the others). You know, it’s not the dress, but the person wearing it. Reina looks astounding, JunJun looks like a princess of some sort (although that big ass ribbon in her chest makes the dress quality drop a bit), and LinLin looks like she’s about to marry me (although it looks like, totally ripped off the Onna Ga Medatte Naze Ikenai PV. But that’s ok, because you can absolutely rip yourself off, aye?). Takahashi looks like a lolita-doll at first glance. Kamei looks like she knows how to dance salsa (What?). Michishige, looking hot as usual. But her dresses’ tail looks weird. And Niigaki looks like she would be married and have like, 2 or 3 kids. But still looking hot. That’s a MILF right there. Oh yeah, Wan-chan’s… well, I have to admit it. Even hers looks pretty. Ok, I’d sleep with her if I got the chance (and if she weren’t under age, that is), and even tough I kinda dislike her, she looks pretty in that dress. Ok, I said it. Maybe I like her a little bit more. That’s all I’m going to say.

I only have a little something to complain about…

Fuck those outfits. They make the Seishun Collection ones look like the most amazing outfits ever. Seriously UFA, y’all seriously spent a lot of money in those dresses, but can’t make half-decent outfits? I mean, what? Those look like something a homeless chick would use. Just look at those things… even my grandma had cooler clothes when she was like, 20 years old. And let me tell you, she’s OLD.

Well, anyway, this song rocks. That’s for sure.

My first Picspam EVAAAAA!!!

So here goes. And the generic one-liners below the images are going to be there too.

Of course Maki has to start this. BTW, this is when I proposed to her, and she said she would love to be my wife. And I’m a terrible liar.

Maki sees me and smiles. And I see her and I go batshit insane because she didn’t have those boobs 3 years ago.

Tomomi counters Maki’s sexiness and hotness with cuteness and beautifulness. It’s an even match, and my mind is right now at some Nirvana-ish kind of state. God I love these two so much I could make a threesome with them (but I don’t want to).

LinLin and Gaki are pissed at Tomomi. They despise everything ever associated with AKB48. So they shoot their Mayuge Beam all over the girl!

But Tomomi calls for backup. When they less see, a shitload of girls are all around them, with Tomomi in the center (it couldn’t be the other way). They quickly overwhelm Gaki and LinLin.

If I were a girl, I’d totally go lesbian for Nacchi.

Aibon smokes…

… makes weird-ass photo books…

… and gives a fuck about what you (and many others) think. She’s overly cute, BTW.

This image is so epic it has to be BIG. And because if I resize it, Yaguchi would be nowhere to be found. She really rocks that outfit, even if it is ridiculous.

Momoko. Girl. When will you grow up? I mean, I don’t want you to look like a 12-year-old for the rest of your life. It could make all the normal persons uncomfortable when thinking about you. Still, wotas won’t mind.

Bunny, you can’t dance for shit. WTF is that pose all about anyways?

Oh well. I guess my daily Usa-chan PEACE! makes up for it. Michishige, I love you.

Ayaya, you have always rock my world. You are like the John Lennon of H!P.

And then here is Ayumi, looking pretty. She’s beautiful. She’s in my Top10 favorite J-music singers. And she’s not part of H!P nor and idol. So let’s stick to the topic, shall we?

I think I just had an eyegasm.

Then we have some Tomomi’s pictures just because it’s my blog and I put everything I want in here, even if it’s shit.

If I were a policeman, I’d surely arrest Tomomi for being to cute.

That up there was a terrible joke.

That’s cute. I love girls who play dumb and spoiled, all cutesy and whatnot. Hate the rough type.

Maybe not.

Enough with the horse-face jokes! This girls shares her birthday with me and I won’t allow offense against this girl!

This is Tsunku♂. He does NOT take shit from anybody. Specially whoever AKB48’s producer is.

A totally unrelated image.

Shitty costumes, awful video, amazing song. I don’t know why is everybody bitching about it.

So this is it, folks! Finished the stupid picspam. Now I have to get some sleep, because right now I’m so high because of sleep deprivation I can’t even feel my eyes (nor the most part of my lower body). So if you excuse me and my humble existence, I’m going to sleep until the sun rises with a new day (pretty talk to say I’m going to be sleep at least ’til 1 pm). See ya later.