EW’s take on J-pop | What music does EW really listen to? | Latest(ish) H!P & AKB48 News

Hey, how’s it going! EW’s back in the game, bitches!

So, it has been some crazy 4 months and a half, right? Shitload of uh, shit has been going down lately, and DAMN! It got me with my trousers halfway my legs (and by this I mean SURPRISE BUTSECKS). But first things first.

Some time ago, some random dude whose name was hilariously stupid asked me what kind of music I use to hear. My favorite genre, if you will. I  was talking with another H!P hardcore fan that happened to be friends of my girl (WHO IS SO CUTE, BTW), so I said: “J-Pop all the way!”. But I guess he didn’t believe me, because the look on his face was like: “You fuckin’ wannabe Wota motherfucker asshole shit”, like he was the real deal and I was not.

He looked something like this. Douchebag scum.

And this is me… I uh… oh.

Anyway, he interrogated me for what felt like a couple of minutes ’till I finally grew tired of his bullshit. I don’t like being harassed by what kind of music do I hear, or why do I hear it. It’s music, dammit! LET ME HEAR IT ALONE, YOU BASTARD.

So yeah. Have you ever wondered what kind of music do I hear? I bet you have. So this is the answer.

Anything’s good.

Of course, there are a couple of genre that I dislike. For example I can’t stand Reggaeton, I fuckin’ hate salsa, rumba, cumbia, duranguense and so on (genres that over hear, in Mexico, people like a lot), and I’m not specially fond of the rock of the 50’s & 60’s. I personally believe that The Beatles are way too overrated. And I actually kind of like Nickelback. Yeah, I KNOW. NICKELBACK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I have never, ever inclined my taste in music for a lone genre. I love Reggae, 70’s & 80’s Rock, J-Pop (well, obviously my dear little angels) and some Rap. While not a fan, I enjoy Dubstep. I could hear to every Metal style out there and I don’t dislike Pop at all. So my taste in music could be flawless or really fuckin’ horrible, depending on your point of view or who do you ask.

So after I tried to make this fucker understand what was up with me, he began preaching me about J-Pop like I hadn’t been a fan for like the LAST DECADE. He told me it was the best music he ever heard, that everyone should just hear it and fall in love with it. And then I stopped him, because his argument was laughable at best.

Don’t get me wrong. J-Pop is something so amazing for me that I could almost jizz in my pants when the likes of Yûko or Maeda Atsuko start singing. But actually, I’m quite aware that J-Pop may be one of the most horrible genres in the whole world… it is, definitely and without fear of being corrected, the most ridiculous one.

There are plenty of amazing songs, I won’t deny that. There is a reason why LOVE Machine sold a TRILLION of copies. There is a reason why AKB48 has sold so much in the past 4 years. There is a reason why people like Henkka (who has an amazing taste in music, BTW) like to hear all that shit. My god, there’s a reason why here in the West people hear J-Pop, even when we have so much amazing stuff over here (well… not recent & popular stuff, that is).

 It didn’t sell a trillion. But sometimes I like to pretend it did. MOMUSU FTW.

But in general, they kind of suck. Not because they have poor quality, but because they hear just like the FUCKTON OTHER SONGS I HAVE ALREADY HEARD.

I don’t even have to give you all examples. Just compare most B-side songs in each single, look me in the eyes and swear for your butthole’s safety that you don’t think it sounds way too familiar. Just do it. You won’t regret it… or maybe you will, because fuck it, it hurts. Little things like those make me believe that Tsunku’s (or to be precise, UFA’s) effort in producing a well-rounded, nice to hear song are nothing but chaff.

It was hard for me to face the truth. But hey… can I say that Munasawagi Scarlet still and forever will ROCK MY SOCKS?!

So… now the news.

Maeda Atsuko to graduate. AKB48 fans cry. EW flips the middle finger and calls “bullshit” on this one.

Because that’s what is. Bullfuckinshit. I just can’t start to believe it. I mean, there’s no single shred of information concerning her reasons to graduate. It’s way too sudden. I’ll go ahead and presume she’s being gently retired for some weird and nasty shit she might have pulled off. I mean, come on… Maeda? Wouldn’t Takahashi make more sense (PLEASE GOD NOT HER)? I mean… Face of DA GROUP, anyone?

Meh… I’ll miss her, for sure. I mean, she was the 4th reason I got into AKB48 in the first place. She kinda looked like Kamei. Her smile is one of the greatest EVAR. Now I won’t see her smile in AKBwhateveriscalled’s show. Fuck you, MUMBOJUMBOPRODUCERPIECEOFSHIT.

EW is getting in W.O.T.A. mode.

Next…

Morning Musume meets Resident Evil.

Morning Musume’s next play, Stacies Shoujo Saisatsu Kageki, will see the light on June 6. The bummer is, that Aika (yaaay!) and Michishige (owwwwww…) won’t be appearing in this play. Dammit. Anyway, apparently some chicks get killed (in a gruesome way, I want to believe) and soon turn into zombies, or “Stacies”, and someone who might or might not be the President of a shady pharmaceutical company recruits a group of other chicks so they can exterminate those zombie-chicks. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Personally, MM’s plays have never failed to amuse me; I’ve loved every single one of them. Now I can’t wait to see how “zombies” fit in with “songs about the matter at hand”.

What do I expect? A bitchy Tanaka dual-wielding some badass sawn-off shotguns and a Chainsaw-wielding Riho, all covered in blood, organs and shit. Not literal (but actually might be).

And finally, some random news:

• Go Hiromi is going to get married. AGAIN.
• Yûko’s wedding in July or something like that. HOORAY!
• Hamasaki Ayumi gets divorce’d. BOOHOO.
• AKB48 makes charity. Wins 1.8(ish) billion yens. HOLY FUCK.

 

And not a single fuck was given that day…

(This is not a comeback post. The proper comeback post is being processed in a half-assed manner so you can more-o-less enjoy it. I suck at writing, for sure)

So, you’ve heard? Wan-chan’s ass is finally out of MM. Huh.

…

Is it bad that I just don’t care?

…

It’s a pain in the ass to write this, but hey! She got out. So… kudos for Aika?

Uh… goodbye, Aika.

The Oracle, I am. Bow, thou must.

Remember when I said “WAAAA Ai is graduating! I can see the future! Niigaki is going to get fucked!”, and then I uploaded a photo of Risa? Wow, wasn’t that fuckin’ hilarious?!

Except that, now that it’s actually true, it’s not. God dammit, jokes sure get old. FAST.

So yeah.

Niigaki is graduating next spring! About time! I was like, completely and utterly damn sure that Risa, not Ai, was going to be the first one to get the short end of the stick. You can imagine my surprise (not) when Ai announced her graduation last year. Now, well… It’s the logical next step, isn’t it?

But for me, this closes another chapter in the huge book that MM is. For years, we have seen what’s left of the Golden Era’s MM leading the group, teaching juniors and taking names. For years now, the 5th generation became the face of MM, the only two familiar faces for the casual fans and hardcore fans alike. But as of this spring, that will be no more. The last Golden Era Momusu is graduating, and that leaves nothing but sad faces all over the world. I know, tragic, isn’t it?

In a personal level, I feel… old. Tired. Like I’m part of an older era, like I’m barely catching up to the times. I see Morning Musume and I see young girls. Some of them, I double in age. I look at them and I see the next generation getting in front of me, stopping me and leaving me behind with only the memories of the Musume that I used to know and love. In a way, it’s like I’m keeping myself behind, afraid of catching up with the new era, afraid it will disappoint me, or that it will simply not be the same. I just want to remember MM as it was when Kago was in it, when Mikitty was in it, when Koharu was in it. When Goto was in it…

And then, there’s another voice inside me.

And that voice says:

 

 

 

 

FUCK YOU, YOU GODDAMN PUSSY. I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL LOVE MORNING MUSUME.

(I sure know how to ruin the mood. I’m a master of this shit.)

For some reason, I deny myself to leave Morning Musume behind. I just can’t. I can’t help but love them… they have been for the longest time. They have been there, even if I occasionally get distracted by the sexier, or the prettier, or the more talented group all over the world. But in the end, I will always get back to them.

This is why, I can’t feel anything but happiness about this news. Niigaki is going to get an upgrade (hopefully) and go out to the real showbiz, to do what she wants without fearing the press, or the news! Niigaki, who gave us a lot of precious moments, is finally breaking free of the cage that UFA got her. Finally…

Finally…

 

Finally.

 

 

Finally?

 

 

 

FINALLY?!

 

 

 

 

FINALLY!

 

Morning Musume’s Sayumi Michishige is going to get the spot she always desired! RIIDA! RIIDA! RIIDA!

Not pictured: MY HUGE BONER.

That’s right! Logic tells me that Shige is going to get the spot. Why? Well, she’s the eldest. I can actually see her being the leader. What about Reina, you ask? Well, she has al the capabilities of becoming one, sure. It’s just… I mean, if Reina does get the leader spot, who will be in the front row?

Riho? She’s still too green. Sure, in a matter of years, months even, she is going to become an unstoppable force. She is going to be Takahashi Ai V 2.0; upgraded with cuter looks, prettier legs and everything. But as of now, she just can’t handle the huge responsibility of being in front. It’s just too much.

What about Aika? Wan-chan can’t possibly be in front. Not a chance. BUT she is sure to get the leader spot one day. She has that feeling, of course.

The others? Too green, even more so than Riho. Everyone’s singing is going to get better, of course, but all of them are barely learning how to do it. They would have to be very fast to manage in months what a lot of past girls couldn’t do in years.

So, Reina has to keep that place. She has to carry the weight of being in front, helped by Riho, Aika… and maybe Fukumura? I don’t know. I guess is best to keep everything as it was, plus having Michishige in the leader position. Maybe a tiny audition, perhaps? That combination can’t fail. What could possibly go wrong?

*smirk*

Chill the fuck up UFA!

Well, for starters I haven’t posted in what? 2, almost 3 months? COME ON! I just got a new girlfriend and I couldn’t care less for you guys. But now, you my fellow H!P followers, will receive some World-Class, Heavy Bad-Ass Shit, Explosive Wota Style!

My homie Obama showing your lazy ass how the hell it’s done.

Therefore I begin with the main fuckin’ topic of this week. Or month. Whatever.

*dramatic music*

FUCKIN’ MOMUSU’S 10TH GENERATION

AND

FUCKIN’ S/MILEAGE’S 2ND GENERATION

Remember when I said “Oh bro, it’ll rock if the Musume’s got another audition out the next year”? Well, fuck me but I think I might be a fortune-teller. Because shit, seems like every time I write something it becomes true. It happened with Takahashi’s graduation (well that’s a given, with she staying in the group for 10 years and all). So, some time ago I was just getting home from a specially boring day at work and well, I just wanted to relax. I went to my PC and said “Oh god, I’m going to see what’s happenin’ on H!O. Maybe another boring as hell Pocket Question, why not…”, so I got in the site and OHMYGOD.

The announcement felt a bit rash, as if the mere thought of Takahashi leaving got UFA shitting their pants. They are losing a great deal of talent in the group, and sure, Risa and Reina can make up for her, but honestly, all the wotas seem to be all over Takahashi. That means a serious damage to the fan base, and I can foresee a serious damage to the singles $$$ as well. But all in all, I think this is their way of making up for no change in Momusu’s line-up in what, 3 years?

A lot of people are freakin’ out about this, you know? The good ol’ “They changed it now it sucks” shit. Yeah, I do spend some time on TVTropes, so fuckin’ what?

But hey, that’s something that has always happened. But they are freakin’ out mostly because the announcement being made not a half-year since the new members were announced. But hey, this has happened before, hasn’t it? 4th to 5th Generation, anyone? When Takahashi & Friends joined the two freaks, the girly one and the manly one had been only for a year or so. And well, this audition has just been announced, and that means we won’t be seeing the actual 10th Generation for, say, another 4-5 months. IF there’s a 10th Generation at all. We all know how Tsunku can fuck up our shit anytime he feels like it.

Pictured: Tsunku’s hair is F**KIN’ AWESOME.

Still, I just have one tiny complication right here. I’m getting old, you know? I’m going to be 23 this year, and what does that mean? That EVERY SINGLE MEMBER IS GOING TO BE YOUNGER THAN ME. And what’s worse, I’M GOING TO BE A FAN OF A 13-YEAR OLD. Now I’m not really annoyed by that fact, but by the fact that every passing year since the moment Takahashi graduates I’m going to fall, bit by bit, into the category of a “Common Wota”. Now THAT’S A PROBLEM. Should I keep with Morning Musume, or switch around for the older, sexier and not so, uhm, “embarrassingformeandmyego-er” Dream Musume?

 

But what I really didn’t expect was S/Mileage’s 2nd Generation. Epic mind-rape right there. I mean, I thought the 4-girl group thing really worked well. But it seems the folks at UFA aren’t as fond of these girls as I am. It’s just like they are so fuckin’ high on crack and coke that they don’t give a single fuck about anything.

“What an exotic bunch of racial diversity we have here! Only one, maybe two of us look slightly japanese! But all of us work on UFA!… oh yeah, we are high on crack and coke. Fuck S/Mileage. Blah blah.”

But hey, whatever. I don’t really listen to S/Mileage, so yeah. Still, it amazes me. I bet the next thing we are going to hear about is Miyavi’s graduation or, I don’t know, that Mano is going to get in AKB48 or that Chisato is totally getting a solo single. Oh, wait…

Heh heh… I totally doubt she could enter in AKB48, she doesn’t have the body to rOMGWTFISWRONGWITHYOURFACE?!

 

Amazing.

I just want to comment something. The new motherfuckin’ song. Full motherfuckin’ preview is here. I’m so amazed right now I can’t even think, let alone rationalize like a perfectly normal person. But I do blogging about japanese music (mostly, at least), so I just can’t be a normal person.

Also, check out this other video. Dance lessons w/ Kyukkies. Definitely a must see. For real.

I was shitting bricks when I saw Riho dance. DAMN THAT GIRL HAS SOME NASTY TALENT RIGHT FUCKIN’ THERE! Also, I didn’t expect something from myself. As they dance, the rest of the group intrudes in. Then, we get this next shot of all Momusu dancing together. As in a group. Suddenly, I got this chill in my spine and began to tremble as I put my hands over my mouth and let a loud, deep, creepy and manly fangirl-ish squeal.

Exactly my expression. Only without the ejaculaaaaaaaaaw fuck I totally ruined my new pants!