EW’s take on J-pop | What music does EW really listen to? | Latest(ish) H!P & AKB48 News

Hey, how’s it going! EW’s back in the game, bitches!

So, it has been some crazy 4 months and a half, right? Shitload of uh, shit has been going down lately, and DAMN! It got me with my trousers halfway my legs (and by this I mean SURPRISE BUTSECKS). But first things first.

Some time ago, some random dude whose name was hilariously stupid asked me what kind of music I use to hear. My favorite genre, if you will. I  was talking with another H!P hardcore fan that happened to be friends of my girl (WHO IS SO CUTE, BTW), so I said: “J-Pop all the way!”. But I guess he didn’t believe me, because the look on his face was like: “You fuckin’ wannabe Wota motherfucker asshole shit”, like he was the real deal and I was not.

He looked something like this. Douchebag scum.

And this is me… I uh… oh.

Anyway, he interrogated me for what felt like a couple of minutes ’till I finally grew tired of his bullshit. I don’t like being harassed by what kind of music do I hear, or why do I hear it. It’s music, dammit! LET ME HEAR IT ALONE, YOU BASTARD.

So yeah. Have you ever wondered what kind of music do I hear? I bet you have. So this is the answer.

Anything’s good.

Of course, there are a couple of genre that I dislike. For example I can’t stand Reggaeton, I fuckin’ hate salsa, rumba, cumbia, duranguense and so on (genres that over hear, in Mexico, people like a lot), and I’m not specially fond of the rock of the 50’s & 60’s. I personally believe that The Beatles are way too overrated. And I actually kind of like Nickelback. Yeah, I KNOW. NICKELBACK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I have never, ever inclined my taste in music for a lone genre. I love Reggae, 70’s & 80’s Rock, J-Pop (well, obviously my dear little angels) and some Rap. While not a fan, I enjoy Dubstep. I could hear to every Metal style out there and I don’t dislike Pop at all. So my taste in music could be flawless or really fuckin’ horrible, depending on your point of view or who do you ask.

So after I tried to make this fucker understand what was up with me, he began preaching me about J-Pop like I hadn’t been a fan for like the LAST DECADE. He told me it was the best music he ever heard, that everyone should just hear it and fall in love with it. And then I stopped him, because his argument was laughable at best.

Don’t get me wrong. J-Pop is something so amazing for me that I could almost jizz in my pants when the likes of Yûko or Maeda Atsuko start singing. But actually, I’m quite aware that J-Pop may be one of the most horrible genres in the whole world… it is, definitely and without fear of being corrected, the most ridiculous one.

There are plenty of amazing songs, I won’t deny that. There is a reason why LOVE Machine sold a TRILLION of copies. There is a reason why AKB48 has sold so much in the past 4 years. There is a reason why people like Henkka (who has an amazing taste in music, BTW) like to hear all that shit. My god, there’s a reason why here in the West people hear J-Pop, even when we have so much amazing stuff over here (well… not recent & popular stuff, that is).

 It didn’t sell a trillion. But sometimes I like to pretend it did. MOMUSU FTW.

But in general, they kind of suck. Not because they have poor quality, but because they hear just like the FUCKTON OTHER SONGS I HAVE ALREADY HEARD.

I don’t even have to give you all examples. Just compare most B-side songs in each single, look me in the eyes and swear for your butthole’s safety that you don’t think it sounds way too familiar. Just do it. You won’t regret it… or maybe you will, because fuck it, it hurts. Little things like those make me believe that Tsunku’s (or to be precise, UFA’s) effort in producing a well-rounded, nice to hear song are nothing but chaff.

It was hard for me to face the truth. But hey… can I say that Munasawagi Scarlet still and forever will ROCK MY SOCKS?!

So… now the news.

Maeda Atsuko to graduate. AKB48 fans cry. EW flips the middle finger and calls “bullshit” on this one.

Because that’s what is. Bullfuckinshit. I just can’t start to believe it. I mean, there’s no single shred of information concerning her reasons to graduate. It’s way too sudden. I’ll go ahead and presume she’s being gently retired for some weird and nasty shit she might have pulled off. I mean, come on… Maeda? Wouldn’t Takahashi make more sense (PLEASE GOD NOT HER)? I mean… Face of DA GROUP, anyone?

Meh… I’ll miss her, for sure. I mean, she was the 4th reason I got into AKB48 in the first place. She kinda looked like Kamei. Her smile is one of the greatest EVAR. Now I won’t see her smile in AKBwhateveriscalled’s show. Fuck you, MUMBOJUMBOPRODUCERPIECEOFSHIT.

EW is getting in W.O.T.A. mode.

Next…

Morning Musume meets Resident Evil.

Morning Musume’s next play, Stacies Shoujo Saisatsu Kageki, will see the light on June 6. The bummer is, that Aika (yaaay!) and Michishige (owwwwww…) won’t be appearing in this play. Dammit. Anyway, apparently some chicks get killed (in a gruesome way, I want to believe) and soon turn into zombies, or “Stacies”, and someone who might or might not be the President of a shady pharmaceutical company recruits a group of other chicks so they can exterminate those zombie-chicks. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Personally, MM’s plays have never failed to amuse me; I’ve loved every single one of them. Now I can’t wait to see how “zombies” fit in with “songs about the matter at hand”.

What do I expect? A bitchy Tanaka dual-wielding some badass sawn-off shotguns and a Chainsaw-wielding Riho, all covered in blood, organs and shit. Not literal (but actually might be).

And finally, some random news:

• Go Hiromi is going to get married. AGAIN.
• Yûko’s wedding in July or something like that. HOORAY!
• Hamasaki Ayumi gets divorce’d. BOOHOO.
• AKB48 makes charity. Wins 1.8(ish) billion yens. HOLY FUCK.

 

The Oracle, I am. Bow, thou must.

Remember when I said “WAAAA Ai is graduating! I can see the future! Niigaki is going to get fucked!”, and then I uploaded a photo of Risa? Wow, wasn’t that fuckin’ hilarious?!

Except that, now that it’s actually true, it’s not. God dammit, jokes sure get old. FAST.

So yeah.

Niigaki is graduating next spring! About time! I was like, completely and utterly damn sure that Risa, not Ai, was going to be the first one to get the short end of the stick. You can imagine my surprise (not) when Ai announced her graduation last year. Now, well… It’s the logical next step, isn’t it?

But for me, this closes another chapter in the huge book that MM is. For years, we have seen what’s left of the Golden Era’s MM leading the group, teaching juniors and taking names. For years now, the 5th generation became the face of MM, the only two familiar faces for the casual fans and hardcore fans alike. But as of this spring, that will be no more. The last Golden Era Momusu is graduating, and that leaves nothing but sad faces all over the world. I know, tragic, isn’t it?

In a personal level, I feel… old. Tired. Like I’m part of an older era, like I’m barely catching up to the times. I see Morning Musume and I see young girls. Some of them, I double in age. I look at them and I see the next generation getting in front of me, stopping me and leaving me behind with only the memories of the Musume that I used to know and love. In a way, it’s like I’m keeping myself behind, afraid of catching up with the new era, afraid it will disappoint me, or that it will simply not be the same. I just want to remember MM as it was when Kago was in it, when Mikitty was in it, when Koharu was in it. When Goto was in it…

And then, there’s another voice inside me.

And that voice says:

 

 

 

 

FUCK YOU, YOU GODDAMN PUSSY. I STILL AND ALWAYS WILL LOVE MORNING MUSUME.

(I sure know how to ruin the mood. I’m a master of this shit.)

For some reason, I deny myself to leave Morning Musume behind. I just can’t. I can’t help but love them… they have been for the longest time. They have been there, even if I occasionally get distracted by the sexier, or the prettier, or the more talented group all over the world. But in the end, I will always get back to them.

This is why, I can’t feel anything but happiness about this news. Niigaki is going to get an upgrade (hopefully) and go out to the real showbiz, to do what she wants without fearing the press, or the news! Niigaki, who gave us a lot of precious moments, is finally breaking free of the cage that UFA got her. Finally…

Finally…

 

Finally.

 

 

Finally?

 

 

 

FINALLY?!

 

 

 

 

FINALLY!

 

Morning Musume’s Sayumi Michishige is going to get the spot she always desired! RIIDA! RIIDA! RIIDA!

Not pictured: MY HUGE BONER.

That’s right! Logic tells me that Shige is going to get the spot. Why? Well, she’s the eldest. I can actually see her being the leader. What about Reina, you ask? Well, she has al the capabilities of becoming one, sure. It’s just… I mean, if Reina does get the leader spot, who will be in the front row?

Riho? She’s still too green. Sure, in a matter of years, months even, she is going to become an unstoppable force. She is going to be Takahashi Ai V 2.0; upgraded with cuter looks, prettier legs and everything. But as of now, she just can’t handle the huge responsibility of being in front. It’s just too much.

What about Aika? Wan-chan can’t possibly be in front. Not a chance. BUT she is sure to get the leader spot one day. She has that feeling, of course.

The others? Too green, even more so than Riho. Everyone’s singing is going to get better, of course, but all of them are barely learning how to do it. They would have to be very fast to manage in months what a lot of past girls couldn’t do in years.

So, Reina has to keep that place. She has to carry the weight of being in front, helped by Riho, Aika… and maybe Fukumura? I don’t know. I guess is best to keep everything as it was, plus having Michishige in the leader position. Maybe a tiny audition, perhaps? That combination can’t fail. What could possibly go wrong?

*smirk*

HUGE NEWS! (And my reaction!) || My opinions about the oncoming Kouhaku

Hey, Ladies & Gentlemen. I have a bunch of news to share with you, starting with the most “DAFUQ” entry and finishing with something more like “Oh…”. So yeah.

LOVE BASKET IS MARRIED AND PREGNANT!

Today I was all like: “Hey, I’m going to check out Generasia, it’s been a while.”

And hilarity ensued.

I was checkin’ all the news (“ISSA getting married, what the hell?” and multiple news about how AKB48 is outselling every idol group ever) until I saw Kago’s face. You can guess my very first reaction, no?

“Here we go again…”

You get why, don’t you? I mean, disaster after disaster is only logical to facepalm oneself when seeing Kago’s face all over the news. But this was an exception. Suddenly I realized there was not one, but two words that proved that everything that I used to think as true was nothing but bullshit. Which words, you say?

PREGNANCY

MARRIAGE

I looked for some seconds the heading of the post. It was like my mind couldn’t handle what was in front of me. But it was true. In that moment I didn’t waste time at all: I jumped out of my seat and began laughing nervously, like if I was seeing something that was bizarre, wrong in every way. “I don’t believe it. I can’t.”, I muttered, completely astonished about what was I seeing. The reality hit me: Kago Ai, the lovely and fucked up Aibon, was getting married and pregnant with a “Mini Kago-chan”, as she herself put it.

I did exactly that. I got excited for less than a second and then I put my Serious Face on. I had to be sure. Nobody gets between me and the truth.

I went to Hello!Online and the same. Everyone on Kago’s thread is talking about her. I went to International Wota, and the same. Then I got up, and looked at the computer. I point with both hands to it and smiled… “You’re pretty good.”

This is huge. And what’s even more fascinating is the seemingly affection the rest of the Momusu gang gives to her. Tsuji, Ogawa, Mikitty and even Yaguchi (!!!) congratulated her. It’s good to know that although still being a persona non-grata in UFA’s eyes, the rest of the girls still care for her, even a little. I am glad… for some reason, I believe this thing is going to work out pretty well. Even if I bashed her because of the little incident 3 months ago, I am led to believe this is going to make her mature. Not the marriage thingy (nobody knows for sure who she is marrying, but some believe it is to the “Yakuza Guy” the news spoke about. Is the baby I am talking about… GOD! I just can’t get it in my head! Little Aibon is going to be Kago-mama! Congrats!

(Go here to see Generasia’s post about it)

And now…

GOTO MAKI TAKES HIATUS. FANS START BITCHIN’.

Now that’s sad. Apparently the events surrounding her mother (R.I.P) are the main reason for taking this hiatus. I’m sure the impact was huge to her; losing a family member isn’t easy, at all. The hiatus is going to start next month… and as for the reasons… she seems to want a normal life, a life where not only she does not need to live in a world where a single mistake can ruin you ENTIRELY. But a world that’s full of hypocrisy, of cruelty and lies. While I don’t particularly like the idea (she’s my very first Momusu, after all), if she wants to do this, I give her my full support. She didn’t give any particular detail about the hiatus, so we don’t know if it is temporal, permanent or if she hasn’t decided which it is yet. I guess we only have to wait. In the meantime… SEE YOU SOON, GOTO MAKI!

Until next time :D

Next stop…

AKB48 GETS AN ANIME. AND TOMO-CHIN IS NOT IN IT. THE BASTARDS.

Yes! Japan’s current top Idol group, AKB48 (yeah, eat that shit, H!P followers!), is getting an anime adaptation that will begin airing in April-ish. And what’s the plot? In a long time there’s going to exist an underground “guerilla” Idol group called AKB0048, in a universe where entertainment is forbidden and apparently the Universal Police act like Pixies and try to fuck up everyone who haves fun. Oh yeah, and the Earth is destroyed. Or inhabitable. Or something. AKB0048 then entertains the space and defies the Universal Police by… singing. And Tomomi is dead (I presume).

Yeah, it’s that absurd. No, I didn’t make that up. Of course, I’m going to watch that shit.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

And finally…

KOUHAKU!

It seems this year’s edition is going to rock! Such amazing performers as Koda Kumi, Porno Grafitti, SMAP, Go Hiromi, AYAKA, Matsuda Seiko (♥), Hamasaki Ayumi (well, of course), Shiina Ringo, Perfume (YEAH!), and Tomomi & Friends are going to be present for the festival. I hope to be at Japan when it is celebrated, so I can have a massive FANGASM. Oh yeah!

And once again, Morning Musume’s absence in the festival is the most noticeable. I can only hope for them to appear in the next one.

I’m sorry…

[This post has being in construction since the release of “Only You”. So, that’s the single I’m referring to.What can I say? I’m a lazy ass.]

Guys… I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. But no review for Momusu’s new(ish) single. I just don’t give a single fuck about it. It bores me to freakin’ death, I’m telling you.

That’s why I’m going to give all of you a damn post about C-UTE! AM I GOOD OR WHAT THE TITS?

C-UTE! C-UTE! C-UTE!

Ok cut the crap. I don’t like C-ute. Oh you ask me why? Because Airi is in it and Erika is not, that’s fuckin’ why. Yeah, I HATE Airi’s guts, a lot. Ok, no I don’t. She’s only some random girl who usually ends up as being very irritating in every single thing she says and does. But ENOUGH. This is a C-ute post, not a “Why Airi is a whore and I wouldn’t pay 2 bucks for her” post. So, we begin!

Okai Chisato

(AKA The only reason I still care enough to hear C-ute’s singles)

AW. SHIT. THIS. IS. SO. CUTE.

She has the looks. She has the body. And for God’s sake, she has the motherloadin’ voice! Just listen to her pseudo-solo single! I mean, I can count the people who could pull “LOVE Namida Iro” off with my left hand fingers, and those are: Obviously Matsuura Aya, Kago Ai, Takahashi Ai, Okai Chisato and Chuck Norris. And can count even LESS people who can pull off “Furusato” AND make me cry at the same time, and those are Chisato again, Chuck again and definitely Yaguchi Mari (Yeah, you got that right Nacchi, YOU SUCK AT “FURUSATO”). And Chisato totally nailed it! I don’t know about you people, but personally I’m used to love deeper voices than the rather squeaky and high-pitched voice every single Idol out there seems to be programmed with. For example, she has about two solo lines in “Dance de BAKOON”. And she’s the only reason I like that song and that video. Well, that and the fact that Maimi looks absolutely gorgeous in it.

Definitely someone has to give this girl a solo career, PRONTO.

Bias bias bias, shut the fuck up.

Nakajima Saki

(AKA That brat from that UTABAN episode besides Yasuda)

Those eyes…

For some reason, I can’t like this girl. It’s not that she sucks bad. She’s actually pretty good  in what she does, but I don’t know, she doesn’t have that something that makes me care. Her singing is pretty decent, that’s for sure. I remember when I saw her for the first time I was all like: “OMG! SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE KAGO!”. But she actually doesn’t. It was just me? Anyways, a good girl. Of course, I actually like her (well, kinda) because she has the GODDAMN LOOKS! Look at her! She’s a natural, she doesn’t need a fuckton of makeup to look completely gorgeous.

Suzuki Airi

(AKA The one whose face annoys the shit out of me)

Your mouth pretty much scares me shitless.

Ok, I’ll have to be honest for a single second. Why do I hate this girl? Why I just can’t stand her? Why?

Because I had a girlfriend who looks just like her. Every time I see her, I see the face of that bitch telling me we are over. Goddamnit.

HA! I’m just fuckin’ with you guys. I actually hate her just because I can. And I have the obligation to hate someone in the group, ain’t I? Now, the thing is, I dislike everything about her (except maybe how she looks; it may be hard to admit, but she’s kinda hot): her singing voice, her normal voice, the personality (oh god, the personality), and the way she looks extra retarded in her photos. I mean, look at her and tell me you don’t want to punch her senseless in the face? And SHE GETS THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ SOLOS, AND CHISATO GETS SHIT! I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU, YOU SCUM!

*Ahem-Ahem* Keep calm. You can handle this. She’s just here to fuck with you. She actually isn’t that good and her career will die faster than a bottle of tequila is finished by some college fucker in Spring Break.

(Side note: Guys. Seriously. We have enough scum in Mexico’s beaches. We don’t need your stupid-ass here while you get shit faced with just a tiny little bit of tequila. If you can’t handle it, DON’T FUCKIN’ DRINK IT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.)

*INTERLUDE*

“What’s happening, darling?”

“GODDAMN AIRI! THAT’S HAPPENING!”

“Oh, you poor baby. REMEMBER WHAT THE DOC SAID! Don’t listen/speak/think about Airi too much. Something bad might happen to you.”

“I know…”

“Do you want me to hug you now?”

“Yes. Yes I totally do, thank you very much.”

*END OF INTERLUDE*

Yajima Maimi

(AKA Leader. And that’s the only interesting thing about her)

So. Yeah.

In a world where Airi does not exist, then I would hate Maimi instead. Why? Because her personality is non-existent. She so average, WAY TOO AVERAGE (even more average than Saki), that I just can’t like her. I mean, she might be pretty, but she’s not the prettiest. She’s not even in the “Explosive Isamu’s Top 3 Cutest… Err… C-ute?”, which of course consists in Chisato in first place, because I’m biased as fuck; Erika, because she’s arguably the cutest of the rest, and Chisato in third place, because why not? She can take 2 places, I don’t give a shit.

And she’s not a remarkable singer. Like, at all. She just… sings. She has no style to my taste, no power. Nothing that encourages me to keep paying attention to her. As if I did in the first place. I’m talking about my taste in music, though. I have been told I like shit music so don’t rely on me. Seriously.

Hagiwara Mai

(AKA The girl who simply just refuses to fuckin’ grow old, dammit)

Hagiwara Mai. Circa 2011. Promoting… something. I guess…?

This chick now I actually like. I dunno, her voice has really captured my heart. She has this spirit that I find somewhat familiar: That’s because, I see a lot of Mai in my sister. Both seem to age real slowly, both have this awkward smile and both are the same height (I think). And not only that, but personality-wise, I think she’s the most interesting C-ute out there. Yes, even more interesting than Chisato. And that’s saying A LOT.

Hagiwara Mai. Circa 2006. C-ute debuted. Everyone celebrates. Except Megumi. She’s going to leave soon. HA HA.

All in all, I enjoy hearing her. Actually, when a song comes out, I am actively searching for her and Chisato’s solos. Because they can sing. They’re not particularly amazing, but I am amused by them. I don’t know… could it be because of her reminding me of my sister? Fun Fact: My sister is a strange person. When I told her “HEY! YOU AND MAI ARE SO ALIKE IN EVERYWAY!”, she smacked me. Hard. Little I know that in fact, she hated Mai for exactly the same reasons I hate Airi. That, and because she’s stupid. That’s weird.

Hagiwara Mai. Circa 1920 (or so). She first discovers an ancient land that gives immortality and the capability of flight to its residents.

And, just as we did with Berryz, I present you… THE OTHER THREE!

With a minor and almost unnoticeable change. You see… I’m not as fond of these girls as I am to say, ANYONE ELSE, so I’m going to resume juuuust a little bit my rant. Here we go!

Murakami Megumi

(AKA The ugly kid who turns up to be pretty hot actually)

Or so it seems…

…

NEXT!

Arihana Kanna

(AKA Lame-ass chick)

Mmm… you’re not lame anymore.

WOW! She’s HOT! GODDAMN!

Otherwise, not interested.

Umeda Erika

(AKA C-ute’s Sexy Queen)

Oh, LOOK! It’s Reinaaaaaahh naw, she’s totally not.

Why do I just don’t care about the other two, you say? Well, firstly, I hardly even KNEW Megumi existed when I got into C-ute and shit. Secondly, Kanna still was in the group when I became a “fan”, but she never, EVER got my attention. Mostly my attention was for one little person (guess who), and of course, for Erika. She is GORGEOUS. And AMAZING. She’s AMAZORGEOUS. Or something.

I never actually got to hear her sing, but for what I can tell, she’s at least decent. Too bad she went to pursue a career in modeling (the bastards…), because I reckon she could have had an enormous fan base right about now. Meh, that’s the past, I guess.

And that’s it for today folks! Hope you enjoyed this! Explosive Isamu, OUT!

HOLY SHIT.

10th Generation? ALFUCKIN’READY?!

Holy fuck, I CAN see the future!

My expression right now.

(Yeah yeah, I haven’t posted in what, a couple o’ months? Shut up, I’m getting into it.)