EW’s take on J-pop | What music does EW really listen to? | Latest(ish) H!P & AKB48 News

Hey, how’s it going! EW’s back in the game, bitches!

So, it has been some crazy 4 months and a half, right? Shitload of uh, shit has been going down lately, and DAMN! It got me with my trousers halfway my legs (and by this I mean SURPRISE BUTSECKS). But first things first.

Some time ago, some random dude whose name was hilariously stupid asked me what kind of music I use to hear. My favorite genre, if you will. I  was talking with another H!P hardcore fan that happened to be friends of my girl (WHO IS SO CUTE, BTW), so I said: “J-Pop all the way!”. But I guess he didn’t believe me, because the look on his face was like: “You fuckin’ wannabe Wota motherfucker asshole shit”, like he was the real deal and I was not.

He looked something like this. Douchebag scum.

And this is me… I uh… oh.

Anyway, he interrogated me for what felt like a couple of minutes ’till I finally grew tired of his bullshit. I don’t like being harassed by what kind of music do I hear, or why do I hear it. It’s music, dammit! LET ME HEAR IT ALONE, YOU BASTARD.

So yeah. Have you ever wondered what kind of music do I hear? I bet you have. So this is the answer.

Anything’s good.

Of course, there are a couple of genre that I dislike. For example I can’t stand Reggaeton, I fuckin’ hate salsa, rumba, cumbia, duranguense and so on (genres that over hear, in Mexico, people like a lot), and I’m not specially fond of the rock of the 50’s & 60’s. I personally believe that The Beatles are way too overrated. And I actually kind of like Nickelback. Yeah, I KNOW. NICKELBACK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I have never, ever inclined my taste in music for a lone genre. I love Reggae, 70’s & 80’s Rock, J-Pop (well, obviously my dear little angels) and some Rap. While not a fan, I enjoy Dubstep. I could hear to every Metal style out there and I don’t dislike Pop at all. So my taste in music could be flawless or really fuckin’ horrible, depending on your point of view or who do you ask.

So after I tried to make this fucker understand what was up with me, he began preaching me about J-Pop like I hadn’t been a fan for like the LAST DECADE. He told me it was the best music he ever heard, that everyone should just hear it and fall in love with it. And then I stopped him, because his argument was laughable at best.

Don’t get me wrong. J-Pop is something so amazing for me that I could almost jizz in my pants when the likes of Yûko or Maeda Atsuko start singing. But actually, I’m quite aware that J-Pop may be one of the most horrible genres in the whole world… it is, definitely and without fear of being corrected, the most ridiculous one.

There are plenty of amazing songs, I won’t deny that. There is a reason why LOVE Machine sold a TRILLION of copies. There is a reason why AKB48 has sold so much in the past 4 years. There is a reason why people like Henkka (who has an amazing taste in music, BTW) like to hear all that shit. My god, there’s a reason why here in the West people hear J-Pop, even when we have so much amazing stuff over here (well… not recent & popular stuff, that is).

 It didn’t sell a trillion. But sometimes I like to pretend it did. MOMUSU FTW.

But in general, they kind of suck. Not because they have poor quality, but because they hear just like the FUCKTON OTHER SONGS I HAVE ALREADY HEARD.

I don’t even have to give you all examples. Just compare most B-side songs in each single, look me in the eyes and swear for your butthole’s safety that you don’t think it sounds way too familiar. Just do it. You won’t regret it… or maybe you will, because fuck it, it hurts. Little things like those make me believe that Tsunku’s (or to be precise, UFA’s) effort in producing a well-rounded, nice to hear song are nothing but chaff.

It was hard for me to face the truth. But hey… can I say that Munasawagi Scarlet still and forever will ROCK MY SOCKS?!

So… now the news.

Maeda Atsuko to graduate. AKB48 fans cry. EW flips the middle finger and calls “bullshit” on this one.

Because that’s what is. Bullfuckinshit. I just can’t start to believe it. I mean, there’s no single shred of information concerning her reasons to graduate. It’s way too sudden. I’ll go ahead and presume she’s being gently retired for some weird and nasty shit she might have pulled off. I mean, come on… Maeda? Wouldn’t Takahashi make more sense (PLEASE GOD NOT HER)? I mean… Face of DA GROUP, anyone?

Meh… I’ll miss her, for sure. I mean, she was the 4th reason I got into AKB48 in the first place. She kinda looked like Kamei. Her smile is one of the greatest EVAR. Now I won’t see her smile in AKBwhateveriscalled’s show. Fuck you, MUMBOJUMBOPRODUCERPIECEOFSHIT.

EW is getting in W.O.T.A. mode.

Next…

Morning Musume meets Resident Evil.

Morning Musume’s next play, Stacies Shoujo Saisatsu Kageki, will see the light on June 6. The bummer is, that Aika (yaaay!) and Michishige (owwwwww…) won’t be appearing in this play. Dammit. Anyway, apparently some chicks get killed (in a gruesome way, I want to believe) and soon turn into zombies, or “Stacies”, and someone who might or might not be the President of a shady pharmaceutical company recruits a group of other chicks so they can exterminate those zombie-chicks. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Personally, MM’s plays have never failed to amuse me; I’ve loved every single one of them. Now I can’t wait to see how “zombies” fit in with “songs about the matter at hand”.

What do I expect? A bitchy Tanaka dual-wielding some badass sawn-off shotguns and a Chainsaw-wielding Riho, all covered in blood, organs and shit. Not literal (but actually might be).

And finally, some random news:

• Go Hiromi is going to get married. AGAIN.
• Yûko’s wedding in July or something like that. HOORAY!
• Hamasaki Ayumi gets divorce’d. BOOHOO.
• AKB48 makes charity. Wins 1.8(ish) billion yens. HOLY FUCK.

 

5-nin Momusu. Again.

…

 

… it hurts a shitload more than expected.

Onna to Otoko no Lullaby Game. It. Does. Not. Suck. At. All.

The last post was made under the influence of alcohol and sleep deprivation, so bear with me (<- Hey, yet another well-managed pun!… God, I suck). I just want to make myself clear. I do not hate the new single. In fact, it kicks a lot of ass. So, there’s a review of it:

Explosive Isamu presents: Why Onna to Otoko no Lullaby Game may be Momusu’s best single in 2 years.

When I saw that the PV was already out, my heart rushed with emotion. Was it going to be awesome? Or maybe it would be a total failure? My hand was really shaking when I clicked the play button, and then I proceeded to embrace my legs in fear. The music played and while I didn’t love it immediately, it sure had a very nice beat to it. “Hey, this is not half-bad. Actually, it’s catchy…” I said, fearing some stupid interlude or some ridiculous non-singing dance was going to appear (Kimagure Princess made famous this last point. We all agree that dance was really shitty?). But it didn’t. I just kept hearing to the song, and smiling. THIS was what Momusu has been lacking of lately. And it seems they found it again.

The total stop between some lines, the “Da~kedo sono uchi ni…” line (or something like that), Reina’s solo line (in the PV she looks absolutely gorgeous) at the beginning of the interlude before the chorus, the not over-the-top but still pretty dance… the violin, for god’s sake, THE VIOLIN! (Because it is a violin, right?)

Another thing that impressed me was their dresses when they are standing on water. Those are really beautiful dresses. But the prettiest of the bunch is without a doubt Reina’s blue dress, followed by JunJun’s and LinLin’s in a (close) second and third place, respectively. The others are beautiful too, but I think these three deserved a special mention (also because I’m totally biased I paid more attention to them than to the others). You know, it’s not the dress, but the person wearing it. Reina looks astounding, JunJun looks like a princess of some sort (although that big ass ribbon in her chest makes the dress quality drop a bit), and LinLin looks like she’s about to marry me (although it looks like, totally ripped off the Onna Ga Medatte Naze Ikenai PV. But that’s ok, because you can absolutely rip yourself off, aye?). Takahashi looks like a lolita-doll at first glance. Kamei looks like she knows how to dance salsa (What?). Michishige, looking hot as usual. But her dresses’ tail looks weird. And Niigaki looks like she would be married and have like, 2 or 3 kids. But still looking hot. That’s a MILF right there. Oh yeah, Wan-chan’s… well, I have to admit it. Even hers looks pretty. Ok, I’d sleep with her if I got the chance (and if she weren’t under age, that is), and even tough I kinda dislike her, she looks pretty in that dress. Ok, I said it. Maybe I like her a little bit more. That’s all I’m going to say.

I only have a little something to complain about…

Fuck those outfits. They make the Seishun Collection ones look like the most amazing outfits ever. Seriously UFA, y’all seriously spent a lot of money in those dresses, but can’t make half-decent outfits? I mean, what? Those look like something a homeless chick would use. Just look at those things… even my grandma had cooler clothes when she was like, 20 years old. And let me tell you, she’s OLD.

Well, anyway, this song rocks. That’s for sure.

What?!

So, everyone totally loves the new single. It’s pretty kickass, I have to admit (GREAT SONG! CONGRATS TSUNKU♂!). But…

WTF

Seriously? After bashing for so long? “HEY! I know when something is good!” Yeah? Well fuck you, dickhead. Shounagai Yume Oibito kicked MAYOR ass and y’all said it sucked balls. Same thing with Resonant Blue. Same thing with Seishun motherfucking Collection. What I mean is…

WTF?

Meh…

I have grown tired of graduations. I saw my all-time favorite member Goto Maki graduate. I saw Kago Ai graduate (and being fired). I saw Kaori graduate. It just doesn’t get to me anymore.

Nakazawa isn’t surprised either.

But I believe people are over-reacting to this new announcement.

Ok. If you hadn’t read anything about H!P recently, you might not know that Kamei Eri and the Pandas are graduating this fall. I was surprised, because I have never seen a 3-nin graduation. I got a little bit mad because of LinLin (seeing as she is my favorite member of this line up, just besides Michishige), and I too understood Kamei’s position. She’s ill, she needs treatment. I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE HOW YOU ALL FANS ARE SELFISH ENOUGH TO GET MAD AT HER OWN DECITION, GODDAMIT! -mad mode on-.

Ok, let’s get things straight. No, the girls are not supposed to be in the group like, forever. Yes, JunJun & LinLin didn’t had the exposure they deserved, so it’s for the best they graduate. I mean, back in China they had a (fairly small) fame, so if it’s true what I’ve read and Tsunku is still going to produce them (in any way possible) then their fame is only going to raise. And YES! Kamei has to treat her illness in order to stay in showbiz. And FUCK YES! There will be a 9th Generation! The first time in 3 motherfucking years Tsunku is going to move his ass and get some new girls.

“Hey Look! How can I give a fine fuck about auditions if I’m singing in a swamp while I rape some innocent flowers, huh?!”

Now, I have read a lot of blogs talking about these news, and all are like: “Booohooo, Now my top 3 is no longer here, boohooo I’m soo fuckin’ sad, boohooo WTF TSUNKU! Boohooo I’m way over Momusu now, gotta be an AKB48 wota”. Come on people, seriously, is it that bad? 9th Generation, anyone? Nope? Oh Zombie-Jesus. It’s all good! I mean, we get to see new faces, new personalities, new booties (ahem), and so on. I’m actually very excited about this. I mean, since when we haven’t got an actually INTERESTING personality in Momusu? Takahashi can’t be funny for shit nor can talk by herself, Niigaki is getting kinda old, Tanaka hasn’t changed since she got in the band (actually she was more interesting before with the Yankee stuff) and Mittens is boring as hell. Michishige is the only interesting personality now (you have to admit it, if it wasn’t for her Momusu wouldn’t have the exposure they are getting now. I mean, she’s the only one being invited to variety shows).

Michishige Sayumi — The only not-lame-ass personality in Morning Musume since Fujimoto Miki’s graduation. And Koharu Kusumi Too.

So now what? Very funny you ask. What? You didn’t? Oh, well, then I just have to answer it fucker.

Momusu has to go to the “get relevant or die” road. It was a serious blow to the fandom because there are fewer girls to love than before. The auditions are a good thing, and graduations more-o-less good too. For now on I hope Tsunku gets some cocaine in his coffee, so for a change we can have some REAL  music (not shit like Mikan).

You heard me? You’re shit.

Oh God. I don’t wanna know what will happen when Takahashi OR Reina graduate. Now that’s going to be an apocalypse for sure.

Hehe. Enjoy this smile while you ca~an ♥.